| More emo. Wow, I am on a roll. |
[Oct. 28th, 2007|01:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
Where you you draw the line between taking care of yourself emotionally and trying to help the ones you love?
I can't do this anymore. I need to just sit down and get this figured out. But you only look out for you. As a personality prototype, I respect that. But if I am going to try to have an emotional relationship with you, you need to be able to be there for me. Everyone needs a certain level of selfishness, but a balance needs to be maintained. You are there physically, or on the phone to listen, but you do not know how to make an emotional sacrifice to help someone you love. You are naive. That in itself is not awful, but your naivety becomes carelessness and you are careless with everyone but yourself.
I know you have a lot that you are trying to deal with right now, but twice in one night you weren't honest with me because you didn't want me to be upset. Why? Upset that you were hanging out with friends and didn't invite me? Upset that you wanted to talk to Eric instead of figuring things out with me so said you were exhausted and going to bed?
Bullshit.
I am not going to be offended in any way by you saying that you need to talk to Eric or don't really want to hang out with me. But why, after we JUST spoke about just being honest to prevent me from getting upset about things because logic will make me logical?
Bullshit.
I wanted to make this work. We are amazing together when it works but this whole relationship has been nothing but unhealthy. It has been nothing but us trying to work through things, and we haven't gotten anywhere. I know most of the problems brought forth are my own fault, but this relationship isn't just me.
Unless something drastic changes when you are finally willing to talk to me, this is not going to be salvaged and I hate it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2005|11:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mr. Brightside | ] |
tell him i don't ever want to see him again
tell him he meant crap to me
tell him i never even loved him
tell him i won't miss him at all
but most of all don't tell him i
said this with tears in my eyes
theres no hard feelings, no one to blame,
just two people, who don't feel the same.
i would die
of your fingers
if i could be buried in your palms
i promised myself i wouldn't cry
when your heart gets b.r.o.k.e.n
you tend to see c.r.a.c.k.s in everything else.
if you dont get what happened today...
Love-the dinner of [f.o.o.l.s];
never satisfying and always poisoned
i fucking got poisoned.
but we all knew it was going to happen. right?
ignorance: looking straight at him but not realizing he is about to look away.
From one of Maria's friends' journals. Really sad/depressing, and really true. It's not as true anymore, as it once was. It's still true, but not as.
At least I think so.
At least I hope so...
blegh. It's no big deal, I'm not depressed at all, for a change. I haven't been much lately, I just thought that that was cool hence the postage of it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2005|11:25 pm] |
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I'm so cold. I can't stop shivering. I've been so bloody cold for the past week or so... I don't know why. It's been warmer outside than it has since September, so why does it feel so much colder to me? I guess it's loneliness. It's not that bad, I suppose. It's really the lack of hope. Because even when you're alone in body, if you have hope it doesn't matter. But when you have no hope, you could be in the middle of the Mall of America on a Saturday afternoon will every friend you've got, and you'll still be lonely. |
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| omg... thank you thank you thank you... |
[May. 3rd, 2005|01:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Someday | ] |
My god I'm so happy... and so relieved... and so much right now words cannot describe...
Acchilesheel signed on at 11:43:59 PM.
Lunaxamare: yo
Acchilesheel: hey
Acchilesheel: whats up?
Lunaxamare: not much... I can't sleep or get m'self tired or anything. pretty bored. bouncing around rob's forum reading random stuff being a lurker
Lunaxamare: you?
Acchilesheel: Lol i wanna see robs forum!
Lunaxamare: http://www.1-2-free-forums.com/mf/obeyfistforum-forum-1.html
Acchilesheel: God its so entertaining!
Lunaxamare: lmao
Lunaxamare: I hope that was sarcastic
Acchilesheel: it is
Lunaxamare: it shows my bordom
Acchilesheel: which one is paul?
Lunaxamare: hell if I know
Acchilesheel: Oh my god these people are so fucking horrible, i want to kill Taryn and i dont know who else
Lunaxamare: why?
Acchilesheel: Read the thread of hate
Acchilesheel: Theres a lot of stuff on sam in there
Lunaxamare: *click*
Acchilesheel: Between two of her ex bfs
Acchilesheel: Which one is paul?
Lunaxamare: I have no clue
Acchilesheel: Wait which one is you?
Lunaxamare: kari_lynn
Lunaxamare: tough one to spot
Acchilesheel: Well then i havent seen a post of yours yet where do you go?
Lunaxamare: the thread titled "yo"
Lunaxamare: rob just told em the other day to go and post
Lunaxamare: so I did
Lunaxamare: whatcha doin?
Acchilesheel: Umm reading that thread
Lunaxamare: fun
Acchilesheel: And i finished
Acchilesheel: you ppl are amusing
Lunaxamare: lol
Lunaxamare: not really
Lunaxamare: *poke*
Acchilesheel: hello
Lunaxamare: 'allo
Acchilesheel: Ummm yeah im really bored but i dont want to sleep
Lunaxamare: Me too
Lunaxamare: i went upstairs and TRIED to sleep
Acchilesheel: lol didnt work?
Lunaxamare: I made a pillow, listened to music, played with candle wax, played with fire, cleaned the bathroom and figures out my ice show solo costure
Acchilesheel: Lol
Acchilesheel: god all that?
Lunaxamare: then i realised there was no way the concept of "sleep" was sinking into my brain
Lunaxamare: in 45 minutes no less
Acchilesheel: I listened to music and played solitaire
Acchilesheel: I really wanna see you sometime now
Lunaxamare: you accomplished a lot...
Acchilesheel: Lol oh yeah
Acchilesheel: brb i want food
Lunaxamare: I'm sure it was life-changing
Lunaxamare: food is great, kie
Acchilesheel: ahh im back i just got a slice of pizza
Lunaxamare: yum
Acchilesheel: Yeah... so....
Lunaxamare: so...
Lunaxamare: I am talking to Earnest
Acchilesheel: Earnest? Oh i read some of his posts
Acchilesheel: On the phone?
Lunaxamare: nah
Lunaxamare: online
Lunaxamare: we're dissing his parents
Lunaxamare: it's pretty fun
Acchilesheel: fun
Acchilesheel: whats his sn?
Acchilesheel: Im really bored
Lunaxamare: LazerBlader2000
Lunaxamare: but now yer stealin' my talking budd
Lunaxamare: now I'LL be bored!'
Acchilesheel: no you wont we'll all share
Lunaxamare: sharing is for preschoolers
Lunaxamare: I don't like sharing
Acchilesheel: lol
Acchilesheel: Well you'll have to learn to deal
Lunaxamare: will i?
Lunaxamare: pft
Acchilesheel: yeah you will
Lunaxamare: *scoff*
Acchilesheel: Eh hes not communicative so whatever
Lunaxamare: we art talking
Lunaxamare: ha
Lunaxamare: I so do not have to share
Acchilesheel: Obviously you dont share well
Lunaxamare: find your OWN person to talk to
Acchilesheel: Meanie
Lunaxamare: you can talk to MEEE *grin*
Acchilesheel: lol oh sure why not? :-P
Lunaxamare: vat art thou doingest?
Acchilesheel: Surfing Purevolume
Lunaxamare: sounds fuuuuun
Acchilesheel: yah
Lunaxamare: sos ince you're so bored and all
Lunaxamare: you wanna explain to me what you and rachel were fighting about that was so "long and complicated"?
Acchilesheel: Eh, well part of it was a lot of stuff paul has been telling her about me, which wasnt tue
Acchilesheel: true
Lunaxamare: ?
Acchilesheel: I had this little daydream, about me and rachle going out and being happy and paul and sam going out and being happy, and i told him about it, and i guess he told rachel taht all of my actions were to manipulate everyone into that position, which is bullshit the fact was i really liked rachel and he said he really liked sam i thought it might work out that way
Lunaxamare: that's bullshit... him telling her what wasn't true
Acchilesheel: Yeah... paul is painting me as a whiny bad emo person to a lot of ppl i guess
Lunaxamare: you confronted him yet?
Lunaxamare: make a big scene out of it and put everyone straight!
Lunaxamare: well would you like to be distracted from that momentarily?
Lunaxamare: I can guarentee you this will scar you for life
Lunaxamare: http://web.mit.edu/patil/www/media/video/yatta.asf
Acchilesheel: You are a bad person
Lunaxamare: how am I a bad person?
Acchilesheel: I dunno it just seemed like an appropriate thing to say
Lunaxamare: okay
Acchilesheel: A doctor phil moment if you will
Lunaxamare: ha did you open that thing?
Lunaxamare: the Yatta thinger?
Acchilesheel: yes
Acchilesheel: Ahhh
Lunaxamare: *rotflmao*
Lunaxamare wants to directly connect.
Lunaxamare: dc yo
Acchilesheel is now directly connected.
Lunaxamare: LazerBlader2000: Yatta! - remember that
LazerBlader2000: lol
Lunaxamare: the kiddies spent half an hour singing in the car
Lunaxamare: *groan*
Lunaxamare: what does "yatta" mean?
LazerBlader2000: Yatta! means allright!
LazerBlader2000: so like "I got an A on the test!" YATTA!"
Lunaxamare: lmao
LazerBlader2000: OMG have you seen the Yatta music video o_O
Lunaxamare: nooo'm
LazerBlader2000: OMFG
LazerBlader2000: http://web.mit.edu/patil/www/media/video/yatta.asf
Lunaxamare: *click*
LazerBlader2000: funny I love it, most Americans find it funny and/or horrifying
LazerBlader2000: its was a huge song in Japan
Lunaxamare: cool...
Lunaxamare: 'tiz loading
Lunaxamare: nearly halfway done
LazerBlader2000: k
Lunaxamare: yeah that is hilarious
Lunaxamare: but very horrifying
LazerBlader2000: G-R-Double E-N Leaves!
Lunaxamare: lmao
Lunaxamare: that's disturbing
LazerBlader2000: yes it is
Lunaxamare: *scarred for life*
Lunaxamare: *rotflmao*
Lunaxamare: *poke*
Acchilesheel: hello
Lunaxamare: hello
Lunaxamare: how are you?
Lunaxamare: YEEEES!
Lunaxamare: I HAVE A BETA!
Acchilesheel: ok?
Lunaxamare: AFL has been on checkmated for a long time but EVERY time i update my beta is too busy so drops me and the third chapter has been in line for... a really long time. and I just got the beta email and now i have a beta!
Lunaxamare: yes1
Acchilesheel: ahh
Lunaxamare: hi
Acchilesheel: hi
Lunaxamare: whatcha doin?
Acchilesheel: you do that a lot you know?
Lunaxamare: sorry
Lunaxamare: I'm bored
Acchilesheel: Now im talking to earnest and still surfing indie bands on purevolume
Lunaxamare: convinving Rin that I have a condition where I don't remember anything I say is only fun for a little while
Acchilesheel: whos rin?
Lunaxamare: Earnest
Lunaxamare: I decided I couldn't call him ernie because everyone else does
Lunaxamare: I call all my friends nicknames that not many people use
Acchilesheel: im just gonna call him earnest
Lunaxamare: you do that
Lunaxamare: the problem is with ME calling him earnest or ernie
Lunaxamare: what other people use
Acchilesheel: yeah
Lunaxamare: do yuo regret anything?
Acchilesheel: do i regret anything? Yeah, lots of things. Why?
Lunaxamare: like from our relationship, do you regret it?
Lunaxamare: 1:11 make a wish
Acchilesheel: Hmm... sometimes, i really regret breaking up with you, ive never regretted going out with you, not at all... i dont know i kinda wish that i hadnt broken up with you but i cant say that id take it back id probably do it again... well considering how things turned out maybe i would i dunno
Lunaxamare: do you regret going as far as we did?
Acchilesheel: No, not really... i meant what i did... if that makes any sense
Acchilesheel: Do you?
Acchilesheel: Do you regret anything?
Lunaxamare: No... I don't regret what we did because I loved you. But I do regret going out with you when I didn't know you very well
Lunaxamare: i don't regret doing it
Lunaxamare: I just wish we would have been better friends first or something
Lunaxamare: because now I see that... I didn't know you very well
Acchilesheel: I dont know.... this past month and a half, the time you think youve been getting to know the " real " me... well thats just the side of me thats been responding to everything thats been happying... i was never fake to you about anything, unless you count rachel, and ive always been very honest with you... i really did love you, and i still do in a way, but over time i think i just... lost interest i guess
Lunaxamare: thanks you really know how to make people feel better, losing interest
Lunaxamare: exactly, the getting to know the real you
Lunaxamare: that's why I wish I'd know you better before
Lunaxamare: because that was a side of you I'd never known
Acchilesheel: Well i didnt really know this side of me either... i cant control this emotional side of me... and it scares me because before, when it needed to be my brain could beat out my heart to do what i needed to do
Lunaxamare: what do you mean "when it needed to"?
Acchilesheel: like with erin... i crushed my emotions with her a LOT better than with rachel
Lunaxamare: what did end up happening with erin? have you talked to her?
Acchilesheel: Not really... we're really distnat and it kinda blows but shes changed int oa person i dont really need to associate with
Acchilesheel: Oh and By the way, im never doing pot
Lunaxamare: why did you change your mind?
Acchilesheel: Cause lexi threatened to beat me up cut off my hair and my balls and most scarily said she would never be my friend again if i do it
Lunaxamare: well I would have to completely agree
Lunaxamare: remind me to thank her profusely
Lunaxamare: and thank you
Acchilesheel: k
Acchilesheel: go to www.cokemusic.com
Lunaxamare: cool..
Lunaxamare: but seriously you have no idea how relieving that is for me to hear. erm... se
Acchilesheel: Why?
Lunaxamare: because... it's not a smart thing to do. there's all the retarted moral-part-of-the-brain-decay and things everyon who's had to pass a health test knows... but it's more than that. It's that ... I guess one reason I was scared to hear you were, was because you've said before you weren't going to, and I guess it was kinda like a slap in the face in regards to exactly how much about you has changed... nearly everything. Then beside that... I care about you. I don't want you to go fuck your life up.
Acchilesheel: I didnt remember saying i wouldnt but if you say so i bleive you
Lunaxamare: I'm pretty sure at one point you did
Acchilesheel: Alright
Lunaxamare: when I was asking you if when you were at marshall after school that one time you seemed high
Lunaxamare: it just... when you told me that I cried
Lunaxamare: I... don't cry
Acchilesheel: Ahh... maybe...
Lunaxamare: the night I told you I liked you was the first time I cried in 7 years
Acchilesheel: I dont remember but sorry
Lunaxamare: the day after you broke up with me was the last
Lunaxamare: until then
Acchilesheel: Im really sorry about that
Lunaxamare: why are you sorry?
Acchilesheel: But, now i need to sleep
Lunaxamare: you shouldn't be
Acchilesheel: because i made you cry
Lunaxamare: it's not your fault i care
Acchilesheel: And i ahte when i make you cry
Acchilesheel: Yes but its my fault i didnt listen to you
Lunaxamare: if you don't agree with me... you have no reason to
Lunaxamare: that was just my opinion. it would be a stupid thing to do, even if you want to know what it's like, is it worth it?
Lunaxamare: well I'll let you go to bed
Lunaxamare: I love you
Acchilesheel: Love you too
Acchilesheel: night
Lunaxamare: g'night
Acchilesheel signed off at 1:42:58 AM.
Acchilesheel direct connection is closed.
*is so very relieved*
Yeah... I still like him. I still love him. Especially now that I really can see he's not completely gone... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2005|09:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Andy, You're A Star | ] |
Random poetry I found myself having written a looooong time ago and am posting just for the helluvit
You love him so much,
Everything about him,
His hair, his eyes, his smile
His corny jokes, his laugh at yours
He’s always there for you
On the other end of the line,
Ready with a solid voice
Armed with comforting words.
You need him so much,
Without him, you would be lost
Completely. Totally and Completely
Gone.
For he is everything to you.
And anytime you need him
He is there.
And anytime he needs you
You are there,
There for him.
As you’re only there for him.
He is your one, your all.
And he is there for you.
Only, in a different way.
You love him so much.
Endlessly.
You always will.
This you know.
And he loves you too.
Only, in a different way.
And as he’s just sitting there,
Smiling through his work,
You admire him from afar.
Admire him as no one else does.
As you are one who sees him as he is.
The essence of perfection.
For that is exactly as he is.
And as much as you love him…
That’s all it will ever be.
Unrequited love. Given selflessly,
Unknown. Unacknowledged.
Ignored, Overlooked, Unseen.
And as much as you want to shove it in his face…
Make him notice,
Necessitate his knowledge.
As much as you want to do this…
You simply can’t.
Because fear overtakes you,
Overcomes you.
Sneaks up from behind,
And scares you.
Makes you acknowledge the existence
Of something that was a mere abstract before.
You fear so much.
Yet so little.
Because somewhere.
Deep down.
You know he’ll always be there.
Always on the other end of the line.
Which is the biggest problem.
Yet the smallest.
You love him.
Fact
He loves you
Fact
You’ll be together forever
Fact.
Yet somewhere wherein lies the fiction.
You’ll be together
Fiction.
He’ll love you
Fiction.
You’ll love him.
Fact.
You don’t mind the friendship.
You yearn only for the happiness of the other.
And as fantastic as that would be.
It’s not something you’re looking for.
For love is blind.
A relationship
Would be a blind man
In a dark room
Searching for a black cat
Which isn’t there.
So you don’t make the mistake of looking.
Yet, while you sit in darkness.
Physical, Mental, Emotional, blackness.
A candle gets lit.
And though you cannot see it.
Somehow, you know it’s there.
As you feel its heat from within.
And the black cat jumps into your arms.
For it was there after all.
Hidden in a dark, dusty corner.
And as it approaches you
It passes through the flame.
And the spark
Creates a fire.
The room is bright once more,
Yet you’re still blind. Still in the dark.
And as the flame burns into a full bonfire,
You cannot help but wonder how much fuel
Lies within reach to stimulate it.
Or if, perhaps, you will be required to let it go out
While you gather more.
Or will you ever find more?
Only time will tell.
And here between moments
Where time has reached a dead stop
You have all the time in the world.
Life
Life is pretty simple.
You try some stuff-
Most fails.
Some works.
But really, it’s not getting it to work,
That really counts.
Isn’t it the trying something?
Then trying something else?
Or am I wrong…
Is it possible to fail at everything?
Life is depressing.
Death.
Murder.
Angst.
Terror.
Fear.
Violence.
People are so mean.
But it all requires something,
Some sort of prelude.
Could we change the prelude?
Or… Is it always the same?
Life is painful.
Not just physically,
Mentally.
So much can happen,
In so little time.
Mystery.
Love.
Romance.
Lust.
Hate.
Anger.
Angst.
Death.
That’s what the very core of our existence is made of.
We go through life,
Experiencing so many different emotions.
It makes us who we are.
It made us who we have come to be.
Sometimes you feel like you are living a lie.
Or living in a book,
Being written by the very creator itself.
If a doubt has ever crossed your mind
That someone was just playing with your mind,
Your heart.
You were probably correct in every way.
Peoples’ emotions are so complex
And intricate,
That you never know when they truly mean it…
Or mean to embarrass your soul.
And then…
Everything comes falling down.
And there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
Everything just disappears,
And you don’t know whom to turn to,
Or who to turn with.
And as fast as your life began…
It gets swept away…
Out from under your very feet…
To be gone forever…
To never be found…
Yet, in spite of everything, you must go on.
Go on, or give up.
No matter what.
Eve if your existence is only in
Shades of Grey.
Choice is something beyond our control.
And when the sun comes out tomorrow… Let it shine.
Crash
Crash, like a wave on a beach.
Healing, impossible, when all falls down.
All out of our grasp, beyond our
Reach. When all gives up,
Ignorance is much more
Satisfying then the truth. When
Masters will do anything to break down
All hope, unintentionally. Never
To set foot towards lenience.
Isolation is preferred to the utmost control when the
Creators expect the creation to be untrue to itself.
there's other crap but I didn't feel like putting it up 'cause i know none of yall care anyway
I like Rob |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|08:54 pm] |
Oh shit I just realised that I forgot to friends-lock my last entry. Fine in teh cases of some people, not so good in the cases of others. Please forget everything you read if you are one of those people *grin* Goodbye, and thank you for your cooperation.
P.S. You know who you are. If you don't, you are not one of the aforementioned people.
On an absolutly adorable note, is Zac not like... completely adorable? Carolyn is so freaking lucky
ok... i just have to send this to ya cause i need a second opinion...
is he being cute- or am i liking him again and wanting him 2 be cute?
heres our convo:
roll it 151: hey
fruit bowl 14: hey
roll it 151: sup
fruit bowl 14: just the norm junk u?
roll it 151: haha- they gave me in school suspension- 3 days
fruit bowl 14: fuuuhuuhun
roll it 151: u know it
fruit bowl 14: lol, ur so bad
roll it 151: ooo u know it ;-)
roll it 151: just wait till i get the whip out
fruit bowl 14: ha ha ha
fruit bowl 14: so funny
fruit bowl 14: not
roll it 151: ur laughin and u know it
fruit bowl 14: grrrrr
roll it 151: haha
fruit bowl 14: w/e
roll it 151: can i tell u sumthin
fruit bowl 14: of course babe
fruit bowl 14: wut
roll it 151: alright- i dont really know how to say this. ok when i told you i was over you- i wasnt. i'm not.
roll it 151: i love you
roll it 151: a lot
fruit bowl 14: i love you too, not the same way tho. its ok, not to be over me, but why'd u lie about it
roll it 151: cause sometimes i think you dont tell me stuff just because ur afraid it'll hurt me, and i didnt want you to have to lie or hold anything back. i wanted it to be how it was.
fruit bowl 14: well... i guess i did do that. i just thought i'd be easier...
roll it 151: i know, and it wasnt easy for me to hear about guys- its not, but i have to understand that. i just want you to feel like you can tell me anything.
roll it 151: i know you dont trust me as much as you did, but i want you to be able to talk to me
fruit bowl 14: well, if your ok with me talking to you then i'm fine w/ it. and i'm sorry...
roll it 151: what are you sorry for?
fruit bowl 14: hurting you
roll it 151: baby- i hurt myself. i fucked this up. not you. ur my angel and you always will be, dont be sorry.
fruit bowl 14: but, i mean... i didnt... if i hadnt.... u know
roll it 151: i know but babe- this is my fault, not yours even if you did
fruit bowl 14: are you ever going to forgive me for that?
roll it 151: what are you talking about? i did ages ago. i cant be mad at you for more than 5 minutes. lol
fruit bowl 14: i dont know why, i deserve you being mad at me
roll it 151: no you dont
roll it 151: and you never will
fruit bowl 14: yeah i do, and why the hell not?
roll it 151: because your incredible
fruit bowl 14: am not
roll it 151: are too
roll it 151: dont even try to argue w/ me bout this
roll it 151: it will get you nowhere
fruit bowl 14: hmf
fruit bowl 14: >:o
fruit bowl 14: grrrr
roll it 151: haha
roll it 151: you know you love me
fruit bowl 14: noope
fruit bowl 14: jk, yea i do
roll it 151: i'm really sorry i lied to you
roll it 151: and i want to tell you, about the coke... i shot up 2 times, and realized that i was being a total dumbass. i sold the rest, and was done. i promise. absolutly.
fruit bowl 14: why
roll it 151: did i do it? i dont know
fruit bowl 14: yeah you do
fruit bowl 14: but if your not ready to tell me thats ok
roll it 151: thanks carrie
fruit bowl 14: anytime love
fruit bowl 14: just swear you wont touch that shit again?
roll it 151: for sure. i swear baby- i wont
fruit bowl 14: thank you
fruit bowl 14: u should know that i found out from morgs. she saw d
roll it 151: she did
roll it 151: omg
fruit bowl 14: i know
roll it 151: i'll talk to her
fruit bowl 14: good
roll it 151: oh yeah, guess what b did
fruit bowl 14: what
roll it 151: well him and carmen
fruit bowl 14: NOOOO
roll it 151: YESSSSS
fruit bowl 14: OMG!!!!
fruit bowl 14: NUHUH!
fruit bowl 14: i need to stop w/ the caps
fruit bowl 14: lol
roll it 151: uuuuuuuhhhhhhuuuuuuuuh
fruit bowl 14: holy fuck
roll it 151: i know
fruit bowl 14: i never ever ever thought b would
roll it 151: well, carmen can be very persuasive *cough cough*
fruit bowl 14: lmao!
fruit bowl 14: they had sex to backstreet!
fruit bowl 14: he is never ever hearing the end of this!
roll it 151: haha well, i'd help ya but i cant
fruit bowl 14: why- u fraid of b
roll it 151: haha- uh no
fruit bowl 14: u sure now, big bad b can be pretty damn scary
roll it 151: who you talking to miss "omg i totally thought that jelly bean was a cockroach which is why i am now standing on the couch holding a baseball bat"
fruit bowl 14: that was one time
fruit bowl 14: one time
roll it 151: yeah, but i have to remind you of things like this
roll it 151: it keeps you humble
fruit bowl 14: uhuh w/e
fruit bowl 14: so why wont ya help me torment him?
roll it 151: because i'm afraid of you
fruit bowl 14: what
roll it 151: b will get annoyed and get pissed at carma who will call you crying, and you will procede to come down here and kick my ass
roll it 151: (i dont care if ya spank it tho)
fruit bowl 14: lol- so so true zachry
fruit bowl 14: and no spankins for you
roll it 151: whyyyyyyyy
fruit bowl 14: u know why
roll it 151: nope
fruit bowl 14: yeah u do
fruit bowl 14: july 4th ring a bell
roll it 151: oh
roll it 151: haha
fruit bowl 14: lol
roll it 151 signed on at 8:32:19 PM.
roll it 151 signed off at 8:32:26 PM.
fruit bowl 14: whelp... i g2g
roll it 151: so do i
roll it 151: wut u doing
fruit bowl 14: homework and then going out
fruit bowl 14: u
roll it 151: the bball cage with the guys
fruit bowl 14: its the best at night
roll it 151: its the best at night
roll it 151: jinx u owe me a coke
fruit bowl 14: jinx u owe me a coke
roll it 151: haha
fruit bowl 14: lol
roll it 151: have fun, dont do too much k
fruit bowl 14: i wont
fruit bowl 14: u too
fruit bowl 14: tell the guys i said hey
roll it 151: u miss em huh
fruit bowl 14: kinda
fruit bowl 14: why u ask
roll it 151: cause you said tell them u said hey- if you just wanted to say hey cause u were happy u'd say hi
fruit bowl 14: oh shush, ur sounding all analyitical
fruit bowl 14: lol
fruit bowl 14: dunk one for me?
roll it 151: i always do
fruit bowl 14: k... good. ttyl. love ya
roll it 151: love you too baby
roll it 151: lata
So remind me. Why does she get the greatest guy? And she's had him for like... 15 years now. Her entier freaking life. that's lucky if I've ever seen it |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|09:52 pm] |
As I said in my other comment, I am going to pretend this wasn't given to people, so it doesn't effect my entries.
But nobody is allowed to get mad at me for anything I say in here. I know that sounds stupid, but mostly, it's all ranting, in case you hadn't noticed by now.
Anyway...
So I didn't have anything to say, but now I kinda do...
Everybody loves Courtney's analogies
Lunaxamare: then again, even after last night I've lost hope...
Lunaxamare: Now that this thing with Rachel and the journal and him writing SAD POETRY
Lunaxamare: yeah... that's what I do.
Lunaxamare: he can't!
Olx noX: aww
Olx noX: thats grr-provoking/sad
Lunaxamare: i know
Lunaxamare: it's...
Lunaxamare: it's a bucket of cold water in the morning, when you wake up from the most fantastic dream ever and you convince yourself that it's not over yet, that if you lay there for awhile you'll go back to sleep and it'll start again... but then your alarm goes off loudly, and you realise you can't,
Lunaxamare: but both your mind, your eyes, and your heart all want to
Olx noX: i know how that feels...in that sense at least
Lunaxamare: it's a good analogy
Lunaxamare: I make analogies too much |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|04:18 pm] |
|
So i've decided I'll still use this journal, even if the whole point of it has been lost... This way everyone who really doesn't want to hear/see my rants and stuff on this topic doesn't have to let them interfere with my other journal, and I can still rant and stuff if I want to. Mhmmm, I think that works. Now it's just a matter of IF i can get myself to be 100% truthful when i know everyone can read it. I'll probably end up friend-locking it at some point, or just some entries. I don't know, realyl I'm just thinking out loud. then again, yall should be used to that, because that's the whole point of this, right? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Whose Line from the other room | ] |
Ha
SO i'm a complete dumbass
Tim asks for the sn to come here, adn after very little resistance, i jsut gave it to him
So really, the entier purpose of this journal is competely shot
gone, ruined, burned
SO I'm a dumbass
but everything happens for a reason
And sometimes stupidity pays off, eh?
It's not like it's major, but it is slightly cheering, because...
Stupidity pays off sometimes?
Yeah, I'll just go with that one |
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| I miss that |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|07:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | U Got It Bad - Usher | ] |
*Kat shows me a future LE scene in which James gets Lily mad at him and is acting all adorable-ish*
Lunaxamare: awwww
Lunaxamare: he's so cuuuute!
Lunaxamare: i love him!
Lunaxamare: he's like Timmy, only not quite as asshole-ish when he's mad at you
Lunaxamare: I miss that.
Lunaxamare: I miss just laying there, joking around with him...
Lunaxamare: I miss having someone to be with
Lunaxamare: I miss knowing someone cared
Hp friek: ::::sighs::
Hp friek: *::
Lunaxamare: but i do... i can't help it...
Lunaxamare: You have to know what I mean. to lay there... and when he had his arm around me, just resting and talking...
Lunaxamare: i miss that so much sometimes...
Hp friek: I know what you mean.
Lunaxamare: i hate it
Hp friek: I want it.
Lunaxamare: WHY DID NOVEMBER HAVE TO HAPPEN!?!
Lunaxamare: i wouldn't have missed it so much... I wouldn't have missed it at all if it had never happened
Hp friek: I'm sorry...
Hp friek: It's better to love and lose than to have never loved at all.
Lunaxamare: no, no it's not |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|12:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cynical | ] |
IMPORTANT UPDATE
Read from the bold heading below
Acchilesheel: hey
Acchilesheel: you there?
Lunaxamare: hey
Lunaxamare: what's up?
Acchilesheel: how have you been?
Lunaxamare: not so good
Acchilesheel: Nothing much
Acchilesheel: Why?
Lunaxamare: what about you? feeling better lately?
Lunaxamare: i dunno. why not?
Acchilesheel: Not really... im no where near over rachel... its kinda complicated and im sure you dont want to hear about it
Lunaxamare: no, i do
Acchilesheel: you sure?
Lunaxamare: yeah'
Lunaxamare: just pretend i'm not me. i'm just another friend. if i'm that to you
Acchilesheel: alright well i dont know if shes told you this but as far as i can tell, and ive heard sam talking to her on the phone telling sam this, she still has major feelings for me
Lunaxamare: yeah, she told em that a long time ago
Lunaxamare: day 1
Acchilesheel: I mean after she broke up with me
Lunaxamare: i know
Lunaxamare: the day she broke up with you she told em that
Lunaxamare: she told me pretty much everything
Lunaxamare: we had along talk
Lunaxamare: I was only asking you what happened because it's kinda weird... to have your ex tell me , and not you, so I didn't say anything...
Acchilesheel: Well, ive asked her, and she wont give me an exact answer, just " well, i did do this, draw your own conclusions "
Lunaxamare: ?
Acchilesheel: But do you know what her real reasons were for breaking up with me?
Lunaxamare: yeah
Lunaxamare: but I can't tell you. If she wanted you to know, she'd tell you
Acchilesheel: oh
Acchilesheel: ok
Lunaxamare: I have to respect her right not to tell you something. I mean, I know I'm not really friends with her, but I can't just go to you and say "hey look at this really long conversationw e had about you"
Acchilesheel: Shes told me a lot of different little things, but i dont know what her main overpowering reason was
Acchilesheel: if it was because of how i act, or because she was really scared of hurting me/herself
Lunaxamare: well I guess she told me several times it was that you were being too "clingy" and when she tried to tell you and talk to you about it, you didn't change anything... you wouldn't let her have any time to yourself. and she loved you, but she didn't want to have to depend on you or give up the rest of her life
Lunaxamare: i didn't understand why that meant you two should break up, but apparently she thought it did
Acchilesheel: that was her main overpowering reason she told you?
Lunaxamare: yep
Lunaxamare: I asked a few different times, because it confused me... I dunno, I mean, this was like, a week ago. and I JUST closed the window a few hours ago because it got in the way, I wish I didn't. grr. but essentially that was her main reason
Acchilesheel: I told her that i would change and do my best to respect her alone-ness if she needed me to.. so that kinda bugs me
Lunaxamare: well she said she did talk to you about it, because I said why didn't she just tell you that, and she said that she DID, but you didn't change anything
Lunaxamare: I dunno, I mean, I'm only getting one side of the story here. You refused to tell me ANYTHING
Acchilesheel: well she never made it seem important, until after we broke up
Lunaxamare: well if she mentioned it it should be important no matter how it seemed
Lunaxamare: if she had to bring it up, it's important
Acchilesheel: see im a guy... yeah thats my entire defense
Lunaxamare: that's not an excuse dude
Lunaxamare: if the rest've the guy population can figure it out, so can you
Acchilesheel: ahh no my point was is that we rate everything that people say as less important than it really is... thats why its best to just yell at us
Lunaxamare: well you shouldn't
Lunaxamare: future note to you- if a girl bothers to actually talk to you about something, it's REALLY important
Acchilesheel: ill try to keep it in mind
Lunaxamare: you should. might help
Acchilesheel: i still wnat her back... i dont care how long it takes, well actually i do im really impatient and probably wont be able to let it rest for more than abot two months without doing something but you know what i mean
Lunaxamare: you're too impatient. I don't mean that as a diss or anything, but I mean... six months ago it was all about you and Erin, then after three weeks when she hadn't broken up with her other boyfriend, you just left and you were with Jenny... I mean... slow down a bit, or the entier female population of Duluth will be out to kill you
Acchilesheel: thanks
Lunaxamare: and for the record, i have no clue what you mean. in scale, two months for me is like a day for you
Lunaxamare: if that
Acchilesheel: Im not saying that this MUST be different, but i think it is
Lunaxamare: if you truely love her, you'll be able to let her do what makes her happy, even if you're not
Lunaxamare: That's what they always say. If you truely love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be
Lunaxamare: just a thought to ponder
Acchilesheel: I know, but it doesnt seem as if shes happier this way
Lunaxamare: I guess then... Let her know you'll be there, if she changes her mind, and she'll be able to figure out herself how she was happier
Lunaxamare: it's not up to you
Lunaxamare: i mean, it's all up to you, i'm just trying to help.
Lunaxamare: that made no sense together... What you DO is entierly up to you, but in regards to HER, it's not
Lunaxamare: there we go
Acchilesheel: Today, me and her were at Sams house and then she had to leave just as Paul came, and then later she called and she talked to Sam and she talked to Sam and told her how much she missed me and stuff... but Sam was super scared that if left alone she might hurt herself, and i was prepared to walk there, but i called her first and asked her if she wanted me to and she never said she didnt she just said she was fine but i didnt go because she never said she wanted me to... and if i went it would be for a selfish reason because i really really missed her...
Lunaxamare: I don't kow how to respond to that. I don't really havge anything to say...
Lunaxamare: oh, for another thing. She won't tell you she wants you to walk there. Especially since she broke up with you, because that would a) be inconvenienceing you, and b) be admitting she missed you to you, and probably wouldn't have wanted to break up in the first place
Lunaxamare: saying you could means either don't or do. it could mean anything, but i'd say she wanted you to...
Lunaxamare: 11:!1, make a wish
Acchilesheel: lol ok
Acchilesheel: Arrgh and i felt horrible after i made the decision not to
Lunaxamare: I wish my feet would stop hurting!
Acchilesheel: I mean... it probably would have been a horrible decision as far as real world is concerned but I REALLY REALLY wanted to
Lunaxamare: real world? and the one you guys over there in central-ville is fake?
Lunaxamare: i don't see why you couldn't have
Acchilesheel: i mean ok Paul was with me and we were at Sams house to run there, see her, and to run back would have taken almost an hour, and Meanwhile paul would be at Sams house and sam was levaing before i could get back , and me and paul would need a ride home
Lunaxamare: now that makes more sense
Lunaxamare: well it sucks you couldn't...
Acchilesheel: Wait did you ahng out with Bill today?
Lunaxamare: no
Lunaxamare: i had to go to the cities
Acchilesheel: why not?
Acchilesheel: Oh that sux
Lunaxamare: and we still would've
Lunaxamare: 'cause i woulda been home at 2
Acchilesheel: but?
Lunaxamare: but we had to get chris from the airport
Acchilesheel: oh i see
Lunaxamare: and it changed to getting home at 5...
Acchilesheel: yeah that wouldnt have worked too well
Lunaxamare: then his flight was delayed an hour and we hadta stop and get my new skates on teh way home for another hour... got home at 6:45
Lunaxamare: no, it didn't
Lunaxamare: it was irking
Acchilesheel: sorry
Lunaxamare: why?
READ FROM HERE
Acchilesheel: it woulda been fun for you, Bill is an awesome guy
Lunaxamare: yeah, i've noticed
Lunaxamare: unlike some people i know
Acchilesheel: thanks
Lunaxamare: well it's bloody true
Lunaxamare: why did you tell everyone?
Acchilesheel: I didnt
Acchilesheel: I swear to god i didnt
Acchilesheel: I never told anyone
Lunaxamare: if you didn't, you wouldn't know what i was talking about
Acchilesheel: I know because bill told me i did
Lunaxamare: well, of the two of you, HE'S the one that hasn't lied to me. so HE'S the one I'll be trusting
Acchilesheel: Dallas told people which he made up... and Jordan olson told EVERYONE about that weekend, despite the fact i told her not to tell anyone, she blabbed to everyone
Lunaxamare: and If you'd bothered talkign to me, i would have known that, assuming you're talling the truth
Acchilesheel: I told you about that, and you said you wouldnt care as long as your mom didnt find out
Lunaxamare: i know you don't want to talk to me, but it would've been just polite
Lunaxamare: you told me about that, but you didn't tell me anything recently
Acchilesheel: when did i not want to talk to you?
Acchilesheel: Ive never said anything recently or befor hand
Lunaxamare: Lunaxamare: Fine. I'll leave you alone. I won't bother you anymore. I love you... Goodbye.
Acchilesheel: love you
Lunaxamare: don't lie to me
Lunaxamare: you said yourself you never did
Acchilesheel: as a friend i do
Lunaxamare: obviously not, or you wouldn't be so cold all the time
Lunaxamare: So I'm just going to leave you alone from now on. Happy now?
Lunaxamare: So... Goodbye. For as long as you want me gone.
Acchilesheel: I got bugged by two different groups of ppl at once and i just denied it
Acchilesheel: I never said that
Lunaxamare: whatever. nothing you can say will make me believe you
Lunaxamare: once you lose my trust you can't gain it back
Acchilesheel: I never told you to leave me alone... at the moment i didnt want to deal with your hating of self
Lunaxamare: not because i don't want to trust you, but because psychologically i can't
Acchilesheel: Well thats just crap
Acchilesheel: Im sorry but it is
Acchilesheel: Its just crap to me
Lunaxamare: i can't help it
Lunaxamare: i don't have a reason to trust you right now
Lunaxamare: WHY SHOULD I?
Acchilesheel: Heres my whole problem with our entire relationship
Acchilesheel: You never loved yourself, youve always despised yourself and how can you build love for another person if you dont love yourself. Real love, positive love, love that truly makes the other person love you back
Lunaxamare: how can you built love for yourself when everyone else despises you?
Acchilesheel: EVERYTHING comes from inside, the only real enviroment is your heart, and the most important thing is to love yourself, because than you are such a different, better person, and you are more attractive to everyone, thats the reason that when we were going out i tried to convince you to love yourself
Lunaxamare: besides you, nobody's given me a reason that i could ever love myself... ever.
Lunaxamare: and one person can't change a lifetime of hatred
Acchilesheel: you dont NEED other people, you need yourself to find self-love
Acchilesheel: yes one person can
Acchilesheel: you can
Lunaxamare: We learned in religion. We are "body" animals. but beyond that. We view ourselves by how others view us
Lunaxamare: that's our natural inclination
Acchilesheel: Well its wronf
Acchilesheel: wrong
Acchilesheel: im sorry but it is
Lunaxamare: no, it's not. perhaps it's not how it should be
Lunaxamare: but on instinct that's how it is
Lunaxamare: and I'm no different
Lunaxamare: when the whole world minus two or three people hate you, how could you love yourself?
Lunaxamare: if all you got, 24/7 from all sides was insults, would you be happy with yourself? would you love yourself as you were?
Acchilesheel: I know, that the reason that i never got so depressed, in all those years it seemed as if i had no friends couldnt stand me, the reason i was ok, despite how much life could suck, is because i knew i was a good person, and i liked my self
Lunaxamare: well I don't like myself
Lunaxamare: if i did, i could handle criticism
Acchilesheel: Well thats what needs to change
Acchilesheel: Why dont you like yourself?
Lunaxamare: there're some things like that. I don't care how much people criticise, say, how i don't work hard in skating. but i don't care, i have fun, and I'm happy with that, so i don't care
Acchilesheel: well why isnt that true in all parts of your life
Acchilesheel: Courts, even if i dont love you romantically, i genuinely like you, you are an awesome person and i wish you saw that
Lunaxamare: because I don't like the way i am in other parts of my life. If i were happy, or at least satisfied with the way i was in everything else, it would be fine
Acchilesheel: I dont know why you arent
Lunaxamare: because i annoy everyone else all the time. because i'm mean to them, and I don't know why i am, but i am. and i wish I wasn't, but when i just relax and say what I want to say, that's when i piss everyone off
Acchilesheel: i dont know what to say, why you do that
Lunaxamare: At one point I almost could have said i loved myself more. At one point, i thought there was something about me that maybe wasn't terrible. maybe... just maybe, i was okay. but as soon as i entertained that thought for a day the entier idea got shot down
Acchilesheel: because of me?
Lunaxamare: yeah
Lunaxamare: it wasn't what you're thinking though. it was LOONG before that
Acchilesheel: when?
Lunaxamare: when i started annoying you all the time
Lunaxamare: when i relaxed around you, stopped trying to impress you so much, and jsut acted like myself
Acchilesheel: oh, well thats a dumb reason
Lunaxamare: that same time, you got mad at me
Acchilesheel: I know i annoy people sometimes, with my clinginess and whatnot
Lunaxamare: the only person who ever could love me at all, in ANY way,
Lunaxamare: not sometimes
Lunaxamare: it was when i acted like myself. when i was who i am inside, you were annoyed with me all the time. I knew when i was on my guard and when I was being myself, and you got pissed off at me every time. it seems stupid, but think abot it
Lunaxamare: when I'm myself at school, i have 6 people who can put up with me, and that's only sparingly
Acchilesheel: im sorry hun, but if thats how it was i guess it was true
Lunaxamare: and that's it.
Lunaxamare: in my entier life
Lunaxamare: it was true. that's my entier point
Lunaxamare: it's hard to love yourself if nobody else does
Acchilesheel: i still liked you regardless
Lunaxamare: but only because of who i pretended to be when i wasn't myself
Lunaxamare: not because of who i am
Acchilesheel: Im sorry
Lunaxamare: don't apologize to me
Acchilesheel: please dont be depressed
Lunaxamare: it's always worked for me before
Lunaxamare: why change what works?
Acchilesheel: Grrr.
Lunaxamare: I've been depressed for a long time now. it's what I'm used to
Lunaxamare: you've never known me depressed. Whenever I talked to you I was happy
Lunaxamare: I'm not usually happy
Lunaxamare: I'm not ever happy
Acchilesheel: This makes me sad
Lunaxamare: don't let it
Lunaxamare: I live
Acchilesheel: Hey
Acchilesheel: do you wanna hang out sometime?
Lunaxamare: only if you do
Acchilesheel: I do
Lunaxamare: you sure...?
Acchilesheel: Yeah im sure
Acchilesheel: I dont know when i can
Lunaxamare: whenever... but i'm gone over spring break
Acchilesheel: but well put a little Tim-courtney time on the books sometime
Acchilesheel: Oh well than not anytime soon i guess
Lunaxamare: i leave right after school thursday, i won't be home until the next saturday night really late...
Lunaxamare: yeah
Acchilesheel: Well... i dont know if itll be anytime soon but we can try
Lunaxamare: whenever you want to, i know you've got better things to do...
Acchilesheel: Well you know swimming starts soon
Lunaxamare: if you say so
Acchilesheel: Damn it!
Lunaxamare: damn it what?
Acchilesheel: Fate conspires against me
Lunaxamare: why does fate conspire against you?
Acchilesheel: One girl that I have never failed to like, Betsy, wont be swimming for a long while, meaning i wont be spending ten hours a week with her
Lunaxamare: sure
Lunaxamare: my proof of why i don't think you truely love rachel
Lunaxamare: i know you don't like it
Lunaxamare: but it's just my opinion. my opinion doesn't mean anything
Acchilesheel: Oh no, i realy want to get over rachel because it kinda sucks that i cant stop thinking about her.... and people tell me i just need to find other girls, Betsy might be that other girl
Lunaxamare: find OTHER girls? how many bloody girls do you need?
Acchilesheel: Arrr.. you would never understand
Lunaxamare: i wouldn't, that's right
Acchilesheel: you think its good to like one guy for 5 YEARS
Acchilesheel: sorry but thats not good
Lunaxamare: no, it's not
Lunaxamare: i never said i wanted to
Lunaxamare: i can't help it
Acchilesheel: exactly
Acchilesheel: You need to chang eit
Lunaxamare: do you know how long i tried to convince myself to hate you? how many times? how long i tried to forget you? how many people told me i needed to get over you? how many times i wish i couldlike a different guy. anyone. anyone at all.
Lunaxamare: i wish i didn't
Acchilesheel: Arr well then im just gonna be a jerk so you do
Lunaxamare: no
Lunaxamare: don't
Acchilesheel: you seem to hate me enuff already
Lunaxamare: it's even worse
Acchilesheel: Maybe you just need a little push
Lunaxamare: i don't hate you at all, why would you think that?
Lunaxamare: if anything, i just nede to be friends with you for awhile
Acchilesheel: Because you do nothing but tell me how i betrayed your trust, how we can never be close again
Lunaxamare: that's the only thing that hasn't happened.
Lunaxamare: only because i thought you hated me already. I wanted to give you a reason to
Acchilesheel: I dont, i want to be your friend, i never hated you or told you i did
Lunaxamare: but you did tell you you never cared if you saw me again. you did tell me you didn't caer about me at all. you were downright cold to me.
Acchilesheel: that wasnt what i said
Lunaxamare: what was i supposed to think? suddenly you get broken up with for another girl after being close to ignored for nearly a month, then we're "Friends" but you certainly didn't act like it. I tried... but you were really cruel.
Acchilesheel: oh god i made i make a big mistake
Lunaxamare: and i was sick of it. every time i talked to you it was like aslap in the face
Acchilesheel: I didnt mean i never wanted to see you again, but there wasnt that really big need to
Lunaxamare: and i didn't want to anymore. i was sick of getting hurt.
Lunaxamare: so i told you. i'm gone, for as long as you want me gone
Lunaxamare: and you never talked to me until Mani told you against my will i missed you
Lunaxamare: WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK?
Acchilesheel: i thought you didnt want to talk to me
Acchilesheel: Im sorry, i made a huge mistake im so sorry
Lunaxamare: how was it a mistake?
Lunaxamare: i'm lost...
Acchilesheel: I made you feel like i hated you when that wasnt true
Lunaxamare: there had to have been some feeling behind it
Acchilesheel: Not really... i wasnt even resenting you that much, apart from some mad feelings at all your friends
Lunaxamare: me friends were mad at you because you hurt me so much
Lunaxamare: because every time i talked to you, or thought about you, i would break down again
Lunaxamare: because you were that cruel
Lunaxamare: and that's what they saw. they saw you being cruel to me. that's why they were so mad
Lunaxamare: they still are
Lunaxamare: people i barely know said they'd kick your ass if they ever met you
Acchilesheel: No, the secondit happened that bitch Kat just sent me the nastiest things, and i tried to respond nicely but she was such a bitch and all you said was that you were actually proud of her for saying those things that REALLY pissed me off
Lunaxamare: I was happy, because i knew you would be mad
Lunaxamare: because that's what you deserved
Lunaxamare: or thats what i felt like you deserved
Lunaxamare: I'm sorry
Lunaxamare: I'm sorry it upset you... but that's what she was trying to do
Acchilesheel: you have no idea how much that annoyed me
Lunaxamare: i think i do
Lunaxamare: and now i'm sorry... at the time i wasn't... but now i am.
Lunaxamare: kat is vengeful. she's also one-sided sometimes. she wasn't thinking from your point of view, only from her own
Acchilesheel: well now you know why it seemed i was mad at you
Lunaxamare: for the record, i had no say in what went into that email, ro the fact that it existed in the first place
Lunaxamare: you seemed mad at me before the email. that's why she wrote it
Lunaxamare: because you were such an asshole
Acchilesheel: i wasnt mad at you before, but i was after you condoned and celebrated it
Lunaxamare: i'm sorry
Lunaxamare: That's really all I can think of to say... that's all there is to say... I don't have an excuse, nor a remedy. I can only say I'm sorry, and hope that eventually you'll forgive me
Acchilesheel: We hadnt broken up for a day when you said that
Lunaxamare: said what?
Acchilesheel: I had barely talked to you
Acchilesheel: Said that kat was the best friend ever for writing that email
Lunaxamare: most people are mad when they first get broken up with. i was mad because you lied to me
Acchilesheel: Then Ben was a complete ass to me
Lunaxamare: i had nothing to do with that!
Lunaxamare: i was mad at him for that
Acchilesheel: right, well it sure seems like you turned everyone against me pretty efficiently
Lunaxamare: i was mad at first, because you lied to me, then while lying to me, you said you wouldn't lie to me,
Lunaxamare: I just showed them conversations. they got mad at you on their own
Acchilesheel: While i never said anything bad about you to anyone
Lunaxamare: I don't have an excuse... I was mad at you. I'm impulsive, I don't think before I act. I went to school, i gt questioned, i told the story, and they decided you were an asshole for a) lying to me b) going out with rachel immidiately (even though i couldn't've cared less) c) being a complete asshole afterwards, and d) there is no d it just needed one to be balenced
Lunaxamare: I can't do anything now to take it back, but I wish I could
Acchilesheel: well it sucks, because now people i dont even know hate me, and probably will dislike me in the future
Acchilesheel: Whatever
Acchilesheel: im going now
Acchilesheel: I need my sleep
Acchilesheel: Tttyl then
Lunaxamare: i love you
Lunaxamare: i'm sorry
Acchilesheel: Its ok i guess
Lunaxamare: g'night
Acchilesheel: im mad right now, but itll wear off
Lunaxamare: i hope so. if not, i deserve it
Previous message was not received by Acchilesheel because of error: User Acchilesheel is not available. |
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|
| SUMMERY |
[Mar. 24th, 2005|10:26 pm] |
So I've done everything into large detail until now.
Well, I know nobody actually would read that, and I don't expect you to.
But if you want the general storyline, greatly summerized
Here 'tiz
So in third grade I met him, we weren't really friends, I thought he was a complete dork (which he was, and still is, and I am too, so that works. he's an ADORABLE dork) then in 4th grade we beccame friends 'cause we were the only 4th graders in the 9th grade reading class (3rd grade the only 3rd graders in the 7th grade class) and we kinda bonded over a mutual love of the Harry Potter books, which is pathetic, but true. I fell for him in October of fourth grade, for three months that year he was dating my best friend, so I hadta keep my mouth shut, after that I STILL kep my mouth shut, even though he liked me in 5th grade and asked me out, but I declined in a moment of idiocy 'cause I didn't want to ruin our friendship (and he still didn't think I liked him) then we went to different schools, he to woodland, me to marshall, I didn't see him for three years and I swear I thought about him every day. usually every few minutes was the most I got, but once at a skating comp I think I lasted 5 hrs... anyway, off-subject. I talked to him on the phone in 6th grade once... then in 8th grade we saw each other at math league (which his friends dragge him to, and I was in for the free food) then we started talking again, after several moot attempts to become friends again, this past september we finally did. I tried SO many times to tell him i liked him,b ut I NEVER could. he would always have to go, or I'd chicken out before I spit it out. then he was gonna go out with sone girl named Erin he'd liked for awhile... she never really "got around" to breaking up with her bf from the cities... so he went out with this other girl named Jenny, after about a week of THEM going out I finally managed to tell him that I;d liked him for so long via AIM when he said "did you know I liked you in 5th grade... and to an extend last year?" and I'd said "umm... not really, no... just the whole rumors thing... but to be truthful, I did too. In 4th grade, and 5th grade... and up." and then a few days later my "fairy teenage godmother" manisha showed him a conversation between the two of us describing how... well... deep i loved him (and normally I object to the use of that word in teenage relationships, but this is kinda more than just that) then Jenny wanted to break up with him... we hung out for the first time since elementary school on nov. 6, we started going out, i always told him do whatever you want, cheat on me, i don't go to school with you, i'd never know, just... DON'T lie to me. then three weeks ago he broke up with me, and told me he'd liked his friend rachel for the past three weeks and he found out that she really liked him too, so he dumped me for her, then last weekend she broke up with him (for being too "clingy" even though she still liked him *odd look*) and apparently now he's "heartbroken" and I'm mad at him for downright pretending to livke me at all for THREE WEEKS before he did anything about it, and he said if he hadn't known Rachel liked him too, he never would have broken up with me, even if he didn't like me. which makes me grr... then he started being a complete asshole. I talked to a bunch've his friends the night he broke up with me, and they all brought it up before i did. he's turned into an asshole lately, and everyone noticed. None of his friends like him at all anymore, but we dunno if it's a stage, or if it's permenant, so nobody's done anyhting about it. then the other night he was being really cold... so I said:
Lunaxamare: what's up with you these days?
Acchilesheel: nm
Acchilesheel: moping
Lunaxamare: well that's not very cool...
Lunaxamare: sorry
Acchilesheel: its ok
Lunaxamare: yeah, well... I just wish you were a bit happier. It sucks to be moping ALL the time
Lunaxamare: Fine. I'll leave you alone. I won't bother you anymore. I love you... Goodbye.
Acchilesheel: love you
Lunaxamare: don't lie to me
Lunaxamare: you said yourself you never did
Acchilesheel: as a friend i do
Lunaxamare: obviously not, or you wouldn't be so cold all the time
Lunaxamare: So I'm just going to leave you alone from now on. Happy now?
Lunaxamare: So... Goodbye. For as long as you want me gone.
And I haven't talked to him since, i know it sounds like i was being mean there... and I kinda was, but he's been SOO mean to me for abuot a month now that I couldn't help it. normally I'm not like that... just so you don't get the wrong idea |
|
|
| Bastard. |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|11:05 pm] |
Bastard.
That's what he is now.
He's gone, forevermore.
He's not coming back. I held up hope for awhile, but now I can see it plain as day. The somewhat quiet, somewhat apprehensive, dorky, nerdy, but so sweet Timmy of November is completely and totally gone.
And he's not coming back.
Lunaxamare: hey
Acchilesheel: i was just gonna go
Acchilesheel: sory
Lunaxamare: alright
Lunaxamare: bye...
Acchilesheel: i may be on later
Lunaxamare: alright, i love tyou
Acchilesheel: love you too
Acchilesheel signed on at 10:34:43 PM.
Acchilesheel signed off at 10:34:48 PM.
Lunaxamare: cool profile
Acchilesheel: k
Lunaxamare: Rachels quote thinger... so true
Acchilesheel: thanks
Lunaxamare: Speaking of which, i was talking to her earlier... and she said you were "evil" care to elaborate for me?
Acchilesheel: nope
Lunaxamare: because I'm a bit confused as to where that would come from
Lunaxamare: alright then
Lunaxamare: what's up with you these days?
Acchilesheel: nm
Acchilesheel: moping
Lunaxamare: well that's not very cool...
Lunaxamare: sorry
Acchilesheel: its ok
Lunaxamare: yeah, well... I just wish you were a bit happier. It sucks to be moping ALL the time
Lunaxamare: Fine. I'll leave you alone. I won't bother you anymore. I love you... Goodbye.
Acchilesheel: love you
Lunaxamare: don't lie to me
Lunaxamare: you said yourself you never did
Acchilesheel: as a friend i do
Lunaxamare: obviously not, or you wouldn't be so cold all the time
Lunaxamare: So I'm just going to leave you alone from now on. Happy now?
Lunaxamare: So... Goodbye. For as long as you want me gone. |
|
|
| Sooooo confused |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|08:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | keyboards and icon noises | ] |
Lunaxamare: it's complicated... d'you mind if I steal a bit o' yer time?
Mirrored Shadows: Not at all, dearest.
Lunaxamare: if not it's kay, I already talked to mani, she just didn't have anything to say really
Mirrored Shadows: I ain't guaranteein' I'll have advice, but I will listen.
Lunaxamare wants to directly connect.
Mirrored Shadows is now directly connected.
Lunaxamare: I'm just confused. I keep going in circles in my head, do I really love him? Or DID I love him, and I just... continued what was, even though I no longer did, without realizing it? Because I still love him... or at least I feel like I do... But I also hate so much that I don't know if I really love him, or if I'm just continuing what's always been... and then part of me says "if there's any question at all, you don't truely love him" because that's exactly what I would have said a month ago. But... A month ago I didn't understand how he could have done that, or how he could have DONE something that would make me hate him. So now, I can't decide if him doing that was just me understanding, and realizing that there are time when love isn't perfect, or if that was me loving him, and now I just simply don't anymore... I know I'll figure it out eventually, but in the now it's so confusing. because I think I love him, but because of above said reasons, I'm questioning it... because I think I shouldn't love him after this, but then I think, but could it be that I don't love him, and I'm right, and It's the other way around, it's me questioning if I love him still, because I think I SHOULD... I'm thinking in complete and total circles
Lunaxamare: confusing, aint it?
Mirrored Shadows: Very, but... I know EXACTLY what you're talking about, and here's what I have to say, granted it'll be a little absentminded and might not help, but... maybe it will, and I'll strike gold for once...
Lunaxamare: alright, let's here it. and it wouldn't be "for once"
Lunaxamare: it would be "for the trillionth time
Mirrored Shadows: Okay, so... You're not sure if you love him or not, basically. This whole happening struck you like a bag of bricks and made you wake up and start thinking and doubting things, yeah? Well, love in itself is a very complicated thing, I'm sure you'll agree, and in my opinion, I think yall might have rushed into a few things a little fast, such as love (and I'm not talking about the physical stuff), and rushing into it can 'cause more pain and make things more confusing, as you know. So, I know it hurts, but.
Lunaxamare: *waits*
Mirrored Shadows: .. I'm thinking you might have been more infatuated with him than love, understand? I'm not saying you didn't "love" him, but... if it had been love, like you said, you wouldn't have any questions, and even if you stay convinced that you love him, you have all rights to be mad at him, chica, understand that. He did something that was horrible and just... I'm going to end my soapbox on Sir Timmy, BUT... You have all rights to be mad at him, even if you still think you love him... The decision ultimately lies
Lunaxamare: in my heart
Lunaxamare: i know...
Mirrored Shadows: with you, but... Let me just say, that if it were me in your shoes (and I've been in your shoes, trust me) I wouldn't love him... Then again, I'm very cautious and I don't use the word love freely... Not that you do, but you know what I mean? You do need to move on, which is the hardest part of all break ups, and first loves never go away, I'll tell you that now - look at Michael. Somewhere inside me, I still like him, but it's not as evident, you know? But, time heals, which I'm sure you've heard all thi
Lunaxamare: nothing has changed, I feel the same way about him objectively that I always have. Therefore I think I love him. But I am, in a way, a bit mad at him... and even though I want him to be the happiest he could be, I slightly want revenge. Not REVENGE revenge, but I want him to know how I feel...
Mirrored Shadows: s already, and eventually, it'll just strike you... the answer, I mean. It'll take time, but in an instant you'll just wake up and say "I do/don't love him..." It's amazing how that works, but it happens...
Lunaxamare: I love him. I know I do...
Lunaxamare: I'm just questioning it
Mirrored Shadows: Of course! That's very natural, I mean... I wanted Michael to die, for God's sakes! It's very natural to feel pain and madness... You can't just forget it and hide your feelings, no matter how much you want to.
Lunaxamare: there's one other thing to... which nobody else has heard. can I rant a smidge?
Mirrored Shadows: So, are you mostly just questioning your intensity of said love?
Mirrored Shadows: Sure.
Mirrored Shadows: And, don't worry about content or language use... I dont' care. Rant your heart out.
Mirrored Shadows: *don't
Lunaxamare: eh, I'm just questioning if it's true or not, because if it is... It should, hypothetically, work out in the end. but that doesn't look like that will happen
Lunaxamare: oh, not a swearing rant, a confusion rant
Lunaxamare: like above, but easier to follow and not feelings, just people
Mirrored Shadows: Not all first loves work out eventually, and I am a firm believer that you can find love more than once in your life. For some, there is "The one," but that's not always true for all. Even if you love Timmy, you'll find others... Or, Timmy could work out in the end, though... if it were me, I wouldn't give it a second chance, then again... That's me.
Lunaxamare: So here it goes. Long ago in the distant lands of November, he told me he loved me more than he'd loved anyone else. Before that, before us, he told me he thought he loved Jenny, before THAT, he said he didn't love Jenny as much as he loved Erin, but that was okay. Thenh he told me he loves Rachel more than he loved me. Question there: was that more than he lvoed me at the time, or more than he'd loved me... ever? then, he told me he had loved me, and just stopped loving me around valentines day, when he fell for Rachel. Then. he said on his Livejournal that he loved Rachel more than he had loved Erin. And told me he had never loved me, he just THOUGHT he did. Personal opinion on that last bit, I think he did, becase November... was just too perfect. Too amazing to have had no feelings behind it, so I'm pretty sure he loved me then, but it gradually faded out to nothing without him realizing it, so thinking back he doesn't notice a change (because it was so gradual) and he thinks he never did. But if he loves Rachel more than he loved Erin, does that mean that he had no feelings a ALL for me... Ever? Because mistaking intense like for love... forgivable. Mistaking platonic for love... impossible. I'm confused as to how he felt for me... Does he love Rachel more than Erin more than Jenny with me nonexistant like, or overall has all the love he's felt been only a smidge bit for me, but it's there? I emailed him, because it's bothering me so much. If he never felt anything for me, I don't know what I'll do, but something terrible, because I couldn't stand that thought...
Lunaxamare: NOTE:
Lunaxamare: All "love" referances do not refer to true love,
Lunaxamare: and merely a shallow "like" or "intense like" usage
Lunaxamare: I just used love, because that's what he used.
Lunaxamare: *waits*
Mirrored Shadows: You know what I think? I think Timmy doesn't know what love is, case closed, put it point blank. He doesn't KNOW. Even if it's just "intense like" or whatever... he throws it around so freely... Jesus Christ...
I understand where you're coming from. I think he might've loved or really liked you or something back in the beginning 'cause I did talk to him some and the way he acted... it was... amazing... There HAD to be feeling there, chic, so don't worry... and don't do something terrible! You deserve so m
Mirrored Shadows: uch better than him anyways, even if you don't want to hear it, but he did have feelings for you...
Lunaxamare: that's why I'm confused
Lunaxamare: because tonight he said he never loved me, he just THOUGHT he did
Lunaxamare: and sure, but my standards, np he never "loved" me
Lunaxamare: but for his usage of "love" that means he never liked me at all
Mirrored Shadows: He did have feelings for you at one time, trust me, I'm not sure if it's "love" or not, but he DID like you.
He did like you, Courtney, he did. Maybe not as much as you liked him, in all actuality, but he did like you...
Lunaxamare: alright, supposing he did- which we agree he probably did,
Lunaxamare: he had told me WHILE he liked me, for sure, that it was more than Erin which was more than Jenny
Lunaxamare: but if he likes Rachel more than Erin... why does he say more'n Erin and not more'n me?
Mirrored Shadows: And, not to get obscene or to mention private stuff, but knowing Timmy, he prob'ly wouldn't have done what he did with you if there was no feeling behind it whatsoever, you know?
Lunaxamare: ezactly
Mirrored Shadows: Because he's stupid. Not to sound immature, but he is being stupid... Not that I've heard of this Erin girl yet, this is the first time she's entered the picture for me, lmao, but... what I mean is, maybe he's thinking right now that he valued or liked or whatever Erin more than you, which would be why he's referring to Erin instead of you... Which, sounds really mean from me, but... just know that this has good intentions behind it...
Lunaxamare: yeah
Mirrored Shadows: Because he did have feelings for you, that much I'm sure of.
Lunaxamare: So I'm wondering... like... am I NOTHING to him? does he not care at ALL (aside from the fact that he did at once point) or do I still stand in there somewhere about someone he's cared about
Mirrored Shadows: I think, from IMs you've showed me and the such, that he's trying to move past more than trying to be friends... Maybe in some part of him that's still old Timmy, the guilt that he hurt you is too much in a sense? But... you know... to me it sounds like he wants to forget you, but can't entirely... which, may account for his somewhat coldness right now.
Lunaxamare: hmm... possibly
Lunaxamare: here's the email I sent him:
Lunaxamare:
Subj: (no subject)
Date: 3/20/2005 8:32:12 PM Central Standard Time
From: Hermionie121212
To: Acchilesheel@hotmail.com
I'm sorry for bothering you... I just need to... for my own peace of mind... I guess just know what's going on. Where have I stood?
Note: all above referances to "love" do not really refer to true love, and are merely the words of one or another of us, using it shallowly
What I guess I mean is... You said a long time ago you didn't love Jenny as much as you loved Erin. Then you said you think you might love Jenny. Then you said you loved me more than either of them... Then you said you love Rachel more than you loved me. Was that "thank you had ever loved me" or "more than you loved me at that moment"? Then you said on you livejournal you loved her more than you loved Erin, and told me you hadn't loved me... you only thought you did. So did you love Erin, and not feel anythingat ALL for me? Did you love her, and only like me a little bit? Did you love me once, but it faded without your realizing it, until it was gone? Am I below everything and everyone you've ever liked, with nothing at all? Or at one point, did you ever love me?
I'm so confused, and not just about this. Please answer me...
Wishing you a slow and painful death,
Love always,
Kari Lynn
Mirrored Shadows: I'm surprised that made sense.
Lunaxamare: It's annoying, because guys never want to talk after a breakup. they just want to ignore you
Lunaxamare: oh no, I'm surprized you've followed me in the slightest tonight
Lunaxamare: I'm so confusing to most people...
Mirrored Shadows: Nah. Maybe it's 'cause I've been there.
Lunaxamare: anyway, about me email to him...
Lunaxamare: anything?
Mirrored Shadows: I've been cheated on, abused, lied to... yeeeaaahh... those sorts of relationship problems I can relate to, I just don't talk about 'em.
Mirrored Shadows: Yeah. ::finishes reading:: Sorry. The whole scroll thing.
Lunaxamare: np
Mirrored Shadows: Well, basically, it's all just according to his answer, even though right now I'm not sure HE even knows... but, I'm kind of sticking with my opinion that I stated above...
Lunaxamare: yeah
Lunaxamare: it makes sense...
Lunaxamare: I just also think you might be being a bit too optimistic. I mean, it's a possibility, but according to him, he has and has never had any feelings for me at all
Lunaxamare: and we know he DID at one point...
Lunaxamare: but that's beside the point
Lunaxamare: it doesn't matter anymore...
Lunaxamare: so what's real and what's not?
Mirrored Shadows: He did, but... He's prob'ly confused to, I mean look at all the different answers he's told you...
Lunaxamare: but those were all a completely different times
Mirrored Shadows: I know he needs to make up his mind for your sake as well as his own, but if he doesn't, then just know that he did have feelings for you... prob'ly not love, as we've already pretty much stated, but he DID have feelings for you, and just... I hate to sound harsh, but two can play the same game, ya know? If he wants to forget someone as great as you, then you can forget him as well. It's a horrible way to end things, and like I said, he needs to make up his mind...
Lunaxamare: BUT I CAN'T FORGET HIM
Lunaxamare: and I don't want to
Lunaxamare: I don't know that I want... but I want to be happy again
Mirrored Shadows: Perhaps forget is a bit harsh, but... move on? Ish? First loves never totally die and are never totally forgotten, but when I say forget, I mean move past...
Lunaxamare: still
Mirrored Shadows: You've got to move on somewhat to be happy again, Courtney. This boy is dragging you down.
Lunaxamare: you're telling me? |
|
|
| Rachel's side |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|07:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 8 Miles and Runnin' | ] |
Here's my conversation with Rachel. by the way, she was talking to Mani, and told her some stuff... First is mani's convo, then mine
Olx noX: hey
ihacoeb247: hi
Olx noX: i heard
ihacoeb247: ya
ihacoeb247: im horrible arent i
Olx noX: i dont know b/c i dont know why you did it yet... -shugs-
ihacoeb247: i hate hurting people
ihacoeb247: honestly im just kinda messed up in the head...but when i realised how attached he was i got really scared...when we broke up we both cried for a long time with eachother and i just thought had it been any longer it would have only hurt worse...he was just so cling that i felt smothered like i could never be alone and i couldnt stand it...i love him to death but i would much rather have him as a friend
Olx noX: hmm.. i see..
ihacoeb247: i can't explain it really
ihacoeb247: i've been screwed over by so many guys that now i can't trust them...homestly Timmy did nothing wronge...
ihacoeb247: and its totally my fault and i know im a bitch for it but i would have only kept on hurting him if we had gone out
Olx noX: he says it's gonna take a while for him to get over you
ihacoeb247: i know
ihacoeb247: im not over him at all
Olx noX: i see..
ihacoeb247: ya
ihacoeb247: it was horrible
Olx noX: yeah i think i can imagine how youre feeling
ihacoeb247: well...idk...thanks though
Olx noX: yeah
ihacoeb247: i like to torture myself...i have his pic on my computer and im like...god damn
Olx noX: aw
ihacoeb247: lol
ihacoeb247: im pathetic
Olx noX: not really
ihacoeb247: how not?
Olx noX: i dunno... youre just not lol
ihacoeb247: it was so wierd though cause i though just maybe he would ignore me for a while but what does he do but continually ask to come over or go to the mall...im just like god kid i need to breath!
Olx noX: i can imagine
ihacoeb247: ok this is random but even dumber that i ask now...which one of Olx noX and Lunaxamare is Courtney?
ihacoeb247: this is sad
ihacoeb247: i forgot
Olx noX: lunaxamare ius courtney
Olx noX: lol
Olx noX: is*
ihacoeb247: ok
ihacoeb247: i knew that but i was like...no wait...
Olx noX: lol
ihacoeb247: i didnt want to say anything assinign only to find out this was actually courtney
Olx noX: lol..thats ok
Olx noX: i guess we're alike
ihacoeb247: well idk..i havent met either of you guys
Olx noX: yeah
Lunaxamare: He's fallen for you hard.
ihacoeb247: i know
ihacoeb247: this all sucks
Lunaxamare: if you still like him... why did you break up with him?
Lunaxamare: I understand the clingy thing... but couldn't you just have told him to leave you alone sometimes, rather than make both of you unhappy?
ihacoeb247: honestly im just kinda messed up in the head...but when i realised how attached he was i got really scared...when we broke up we both cried for a long time with eachother and i just thought had it been any longer it would have only hurt worse...he was just so cling that i felt smothered like i could never be alone and i couldnt stand it...i love him to death but i would much rather have him as a friend
ihacoeb247: i did tell him
ihacoeb247: maybe he didnt understand
Lunaxamare: I know, I read that... I'm sorry. Like I said before, Mani is my teenage fairy godmother... I made her show me your convo already
ihacoeb247: lol
ihacoeb247: i kinda figured
Lunaxamare: otherwize I woulda said hi or soemthign first, but, yeah, hey
ihacoeb247: lol hi
Lunaxamare: I just... He's so upset. And you were onlt together for two weeks... Couldn't you have waited a bit longer? then maybe dumped him for some other guy, make it a bit more painful?
Lunaxamare: i'm kidding, by the way.
ihacoeb247: nice
ihacoeb247: thanks
ihacoeb247: i dont like anyone else though'
Lunaxamare: I know, he told me that...
Lunaxamare: but otherwize he didn't really want to talk about it. I mean, I don't blame him... but still
ihacoeb247: ya
Lunaxamare: Quote of the day:
ihacoeb247: we did talk on the phone...kinda
Lunaxamare: "I should bake you an ice cream cake"
ihacoeb247: num...now i kow what i want to eat thanks
Lunaxamare: it's a bit've an oxymoron. in case you hadn't noticed, it's the quote of the day 'cause my friends are idiots, and she said that without remembering ya don't exactly BAKE and ice cream cake
ihacoeb247: i know i got it
ihacoeb247: but that reminded me of something else
ihacoeb247: thats really nummy
Lunaxamare: *shrug* yeah, I could go for an ice cream cake right now
ihacoeb247: no not that
ihacoeb247: but yea they are good
ihacoeb247: but anyways im g2g
Lunaxamare: what did it remind you of
Lunaxamare: alright... well, talk to you some other time, perhaps...
Lunaxamare: bye...
ihacoeb247: bye
ihacoeb247: sorry bout all of this and non good explenations
Lunaxamare: don't apologize to me. I just want to rewind and relive november for the rest of my life.
Lunaxamare: because I'll never be taht happy again
Lunaxamare: g'night
ihacoeb247: night
ihacoeb247 is away at 7:13:21 PM. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|04:33 pm] |
My second and third conversations with him...
Not in the slightest uninteresting. Hmmm...
Acchilesheel: hey
Lunaxamare: hey
Lunaxamare: what's up?
Acchilesheel: Have you heard yet?
Lunaxamare: about...?
Acchilesheel: Rachel broke up with me
Lunaxamare: aww, I'm so sorry
Lunaxamare: that really sucks
Acchilesheel: yeah....
Lunaxamare: when?
Acchilesheel: last night
Lunaxamare: I'm sorry...
Lunaxamare: would you mind if I asked why?
Acchilesheel: Just not right now... i dont even know the exact reason and we talked about it a lot last night
Lunaxamare: aright
Acchilesheel: Hey, at least it ended up with me posting in my lj
Lunaxamare: haven't gotten to that part yet
Lunaxamare: I'm working my way down the friend's list
Lunaxamare: *reads*
Lunaxamare: It is easy to love someone who loves you....
But god is it hard to love someone who doesnt.
Acchilesheel: yeah
Acchilesheel: thats what you had to read
Lunaxamare: "In which the obvious is clearly stated"
Lunaxamare: (and you think i state the obvious?)
Acchilesheel: sorry... but its true
Lunaxamare: I know it is
Acchilesheel: yeah...
Acchilesheel: you needed to know that
Lunaxamare: why?
Acchilesheel: And i needed to realize it
Acchilesheel: Because... you needed to know why it was so easy for me to break up with you
Acchilesheel: It wasnt true love
Acchilesheel: at least not on my behalf
Acchilesheel: Im sorry
Acchilesheel: I thought it was
Lunaxamare: I don't know what to say... I'm sorry it didn't work out for you
Acchilesheel: Well... its over i guess i cant do anything about that... tho i truly want to
Lunaxamare: i know the feeling
Acchilesheel: sorry
Acchilesheel: im gonna go
Lunaxamare: don't apologize
Lunaxamare: alright
Acchilesheel: i need to be alone
Lunaxamare: i understand. bye
Acchilesheel: bye
Lunaxamare: i hope you feel better
Acchilesheel signed on at 3:35:26 PM.
Acchilesheel signed off at 3:35:40 PM.
Lunaxamare: Hey
Acchilesheel: hey
Lunaxamare: Are you done being alone?
Acchilesheel: i dont know
Lunaxamare: I'll leave you alone if you want me to
Acchilesheel: i have to go to get ready for this banquet soon
Lunaxamare: for what?
Acchilesheel: Swim team
Lunaxamare: cool
Lunaxamare: that'll be fun
Acchilesheel: yeah
Lunaxamare: well i hope you... feel better? i don't know. I hope you get over her at least, for your sake entierly.
Acchilesheel: I dont think im going to anytime soon
Acchilesheel: I got in a fight with her today
Lunaxamare: about what?
Acchilesheel: because at first she asked if i liked her friend sam, and i said no i only like you
Acchilesheel: And then she said well if i wasnt a problem would you
Acchilesheel: and i said maybe i would...
Acchilesheel: and she got like jealous that i would go out with her
Acchilesheel: and she said she envys our relationship because we get along so well
Acchilesheel: and i said shed have no reason to envy our relationship if she wasnt always pushing me away
Lunaxamare: ooooh
Lunaxamare: bad idea
Acchilesheel: Why? Its the damn truth
Acchilesheel: The reason we didnt work out was because of her, not me
Lunaxamare: i know... I dunno, I guess I'm just thinking like a girl... That woulda made anyone mad
Lunaxamare: yeah...
Lunaxamare: I just mean that it would've made her mad, not that you shouldn't have said it or that it's not true
Lunaxamare: sorry *shuts up* keep talking
Acchilesheel: well so yeah she got mad and eventually left
Lunaxamare: Well, I don't understand how she'd be jealous, when she's the one who broke up with you in the first place...
Lunaxamare: but I'm not going to get involved
Lunaxamare: because i do that too much
Acchilesheel: Yeah... well me and Sam have a lot in common and wed probably work out better because were both clingy ppl
Lunaxamare: and i shouldn't
Acchilesheel: But i dont like Sam like i like
Acchilesheel: Rachel
Lunaxamare: yeah. you shouldn't go out with Sam if you like someone else more. or even much at all
Lunaxamare: and for this three seconds screw staying out've it- DON'T DO THAT. now I'm staying out of it
Acchilesheel: I agree.... and i asked her why she wanted me to go out with someone
Acchilesheel: if it was because she liked someone else
Acchilesheel: and she said she didnt
Lunaxamare: because that makes it seem like you're just looking for a girlfriend, anyone who'll take you, as opposed to someone you really do like
Acchilesheel: Oh i really would like Sam i think, but thats not the point....
Lunaxamare: that's MY point. you say you really WOULD. if you like someone... you like them, hands down. if you say you think you would like her or something... you don't REALLY like her, it's only just a bit, or just in your head. not that it shouldn't be in your head, but y'know what I mean? it's not real.
Lunaxamare: that's my opinion anyway
Acchilesheel: Well... like if it was just me and sam no rachel factor i think id like her, but i like rachel still no one else
Lunaxamare: exactly my point. if someone else's existance changes that, then you don't really like her, because that means that you think that there's someone better (duh to myself) and if that's the case... you don't really like her...
Acchilesheel: yeah
Lunaxamare: *shrug* just my thoughts on the matter, it's up to you
Acchilesheel: nothings up to me... the only thing i want to change about this wont
Lunaxamare: I know it doesn't help, but I know how you feel. If you ever want to just talk about it... I'll listen
Lunaxamare: and I also know that you won't want to talk about it
Lunaxamare: except to her, and she WON'T want to listen
Acchilesheel: Im gonna go get ready for this swam banquet
Acchilesheel: ill ttyl |
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| breakups and dreams |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|03:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Green Day, Holiday | ] |
Rachel broke up with him...
I had the WEIRDEST dream last night...
Full explination below. the bold part had my crying again. damn him.
I don't know exactly what happened, but here 'tiz:
Acchilesheel: hey
Lunaxamare: hey
Lunaxamare: what's up?
Acchilesheel: Have you heard yet?
Lunaxamare: about...?
Acchilesheel: Rachel broke up with me
Lunaxamare: aww, I'm so sorry
Lunaxamare: that really sucks
Acchilesheel: yeah....
Lunaxamare: when?
Acchilesheel: last night
Lunaxamare: I'm sorry...
Lunaxamare: would you mind if I asked why?
Acchilesheel: Just not right now... i dont even know the exact reason and we talked about it a lot last night
Lunaxamare: aright
Acchilesheel: Hey, at least it ended up with me posting in my lj
Lunaxamare: haven't gotten to that part yet
Lunaxamare: I'm working my way down the friend's list
Lunaxamare: *reads*
Lunaxamare: It is easy to love someone who loves you....
But god is it hard to love someone who doesnt.
Acchilesheel: yeah
Acchilesheel: thats what you had to read
Lunaxamare: "In which the obvious is clearly stated"
Lunaxamare: (and you think i state the obvious?)
Acchilesheel: sorry... but its true
Lunaxamare: I know it is
Acchilesheel: yeah...
Acchilesheel: you needed to know that
Lunaxamare: why?
Acchilesheel: And i needed to realize it
Acchilesheel: Because... you needed to know why it was so easy for me to break up with you
Acchilesheel: It wasnt true love
Acchilesheel: at least not on my behalf
Acchilesheel: Im sorry
Acchilesheel: I thought it was
Lunaxamare: I don't know what to say... I'm sorry it didn't work out for you
Acchilesheel: Well... its over i guess i cant do anything about that... tho i truly want to
Lunaxamare: i know the feeling
Acchilesheel: sorry
Acchilesheel: im gonna go
Lunaxamare: don't apologize
Lunaxamare: alright
Acchilesheel: i need to be alone
Lunaxamare: i understand. bye
Acchilesheel: bye
Lunaxamare: i hope you feel better
Look at the comments on my other journal for my quiz-update one entry ago, ben has his convo with him right after. I guess it doesn't count as an actual conversation, but hey. 'twaz worth mentioning.
As for my dream. Twas so crazy weird! (NOT DIRTY AT ALL)
So it starts out and I'm on the side of my front yard just chillin. then this bear comes and he's got a huge bullet hole (2 or 3) in his chest and it's bleeding really bad. then he falls over. I just kinda sad there, feeling sad that the ebar died, then this other bear came. The other bear seemed really mad, and the first dead bear had kinda turned into just the hide, like one o' those skinned ones... but the bone structure was all put together (like a museum skeleton) with the hide drapped over it (but like, bigger than a normal bear, 10 feet or so tall and 6 wide-ish) so I hid under the bear to get away from the live one. the live one was walking on its hind legs and everything, so it was weird. then somehow I knew that this "bear" was tim, so it came under the bear too, which had changed into a tent-like thing, with the bear hide as the top. then "Tim" explained to me that the only reason he'd broken up with me is because he'd found out that we were actually related. And he didn't know how/why, but he remembered us spending Christmas together when we were like, 6, and only family were there. I thought it was really weird, so then we got out and he turned back into a bear and then I woke up.
Weird!
My interpretation personally is the family thing refers to a state of mind... Like he didn't like me like THAT, he realized that he only loved me as a sibling. make sense?
I'm not even gonna try to interpret the rest've it. I could, but I don't like to interpret my own dreams. They can get sad sometimes.
Wishing you a slow and painful death,
Love always,
ForeverxlonelyxX |
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| I just don't know |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|07:41 pm] |
I just don't know what to do anymore...
I went from having everything, I could ever need, literally. To having nothing. At all.
And there's NOTHING I can do to stop it. There's nothing I can do to help myself.
It's like knowing exactly what you want in life. What you want to do, what you want to be, what will make you happy.
But having no control whatsoever about getting it or not. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2005|08:13 pm] |
Mani's email to me (her convo with timmy)
y'seem to always wanna see my convos with Timmy, so -shrugs- here
Olx noX: hey
Acchilesheel: hey
Olx noX: whats up?
Acchilesheel: nm
Acchilesheel: school
Olx noX: yeah
Olx noX: fun
Acchilesheel: oh of course
Olx noX: anything besides that going on?
Acchilesheel: not really
Olx noX: hows rachel?
Acchilesheel: Eh... ok.. i learned yesterday she can be moody
Olx noX: hmmm... well thats the case with most girls, how was she being moody?
Acchilesheel: argh... she was in a bad mood and when i told her she was in a bad mood she got in an even worse mood
Acchilesheel: ignored me for half the day
Acchilesheel: and i got uber depressed
Olx noX: aww
Olx noX: im sorry
Olx noX: are you two ok now though? Acchilesheel: I think we are
Acchilesheel: I wrote her a note...
and she was like awww... although she said shew was afraid i was gonna break up with her for being mean to me
Olx noX: hmm.. i see
Olx noX: -sighs-
Acchilesheel: what?
Olx noX: i dunno
Acchilesheel: what?
Olx noX: most of my friends seem to only want to talk about themselves lately.....which is fine sometimes, because im a good listener and i find it interesting to hear whats going on in other peoples lives but like, lately only courts and kat, and my friend aaron seem to want to listen to me
Olx noX: i dunno..
Acchilesheel: I'm sorry... youve always been the person who has it all figured out... at least in my mind, and your right you are the best listener
Olx noX: and i like being that... i like listening and helping out
Olx noX: just not 100% of the time
Olx noX: i guess
Acchilesheel: yeah... i can understand that
Olx noX: yep...
Acchilesheel: sorry.. but i kinda have to get to school about now... but ill ttyl ok?
Olx noX: yeah, ok.. ttyl
Acchilesheel signed off at 8:17:07 AM.
Ha. yes, he's completely tactless when it comes to girls. |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2005|08:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Eminem, 8 Mile | ] |
I haven't been happy in two weeks...
I don't know why.
Hell. I know exactly why. But that's not how it should be. I should be happy that HE'S happy, right?
That's why I wish this never happened. Because if it hadn't, I WOULD be happy, simply to be his friend. And I would be happy, simply knowing that he was happy. And I would be happy, not knowing what I was missing. |
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